Sunday, January 10, 2010

Tomorrow is Going to be a BAAAD Day!

It's almost midnight and I'm still awake. I took a sleeping pill but it hasn't kicked in yet, and in the morning, I'm going to be rummy and dragging and I already know the entire day is going to SUCK!

I posted before about having Adult ADHD. One of the effect that I suffer is what I call "Brain Buzz".

Imagine a room (big or small, it really doesn't matter) and there are clock radios EVERYWHERE! On the walls, floors, suspended from the ceiling, each set to a different station, some on, some off, different volume levels, and each set to come on at different, totally random times.

One radio, replays my worst moments that I would love to forever erase from my memory.

Another is set to the "Should have.." station. Showing me in exquisite detail the outcome of an event if I had done what I should have.

Others detail my worst nightmares - a station for the horses, the dogs, the kids, the grandson, my husband, friends, and even me. (I'd really like to pull the plug on THESE!)

Another is busy unfolding fantasies - one for wishes, one for dreams, and even one for oh-hell-no-there-is-no-way-THAT-is-going-to-happen

Then there's the loudest one that is showing step by step how we are going to frame in the new extension under the eves by the dog kennel, because it's already over a slab and under the roof line and we can just move the walls out and create more space but you know that's never going to happen, and certainly not for the same amount of money that it cost us to build the tack room onto the barn and besides I don't want to live paycheck to paycheck and we need hay and of course a couple bags of feed and we really SHOULD save up the money and once we get that much money, we might as well pay off Kali's car or put a chunk down on the credit card...

and on it goes, endlessly. Some nights, the manic loud ones don't get turned on and I am lulled to sleep by the waves that break gently on the shore of island in the sun that plays on one of my fantasy radios, or perhaps the barely audible gurgling of a stream as it plays over pebbles between moss laden rocks in a shadowed forest glen.

Tonight is not that night, and someone was messing with the volume!

So, knowing about my radios... tonight, just after going to bed, I became aware that I was probably sleeping. I was still breathing - I checked.

What had awakened me was complete and utter mental silence! Then I panicked!

I seriously thought perhaps I was dead and imagining that I was breathing, because...

I NEVER EVER have had complete mental silence. EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER!!!

There is ALWAYS something, normally multiple things, going through my head on my radios! Even when I'm concentrating on something specific, there is that stupid song by that singer I hate, words I don't know except for most annoying part playing in the background.

I don't hear my radios when I sleep because of the oblivion of rest.

I would like to have the silence.

It's now after midnight and perhaps, perhaps I can slip into a drug aided sleep, and just deal with the cotton-mouth and grogginess tomorrow.

6 comments:

Katharine Swan said...

That sounds more like OCD than ADHD! :o) Or perhaps something worse -- schizophrenia? -- since if I read it right you are complaining that the voices in your head went away for the first time ever. ;o)

Just kidding -- it's funny but I think this kind of thing is just a result of the modern world -- we all have way too much to think about, especially those of us who take on more than our fair share in order to try to right the many wrongs in our society.

Gina Pera said...

That sounds VERY MUCH like ADHD.

You can read this recent post of mine as well as the many reader testimonies -- and see if it resonates.

For some people with ADHD, continuing the stimulant medication they take during the day into the night helps them go to sleep. (It stops the buzz!)

Sometimes a dosage that is lower than the morning dose is best. Sometimes the Daytrana patch works best. Others who also have anxiety or coexisting conditions don't sleep well with a stimulant in the system. It just depends on your specific neurobiology.

http://adultadhdrelationships.blogspot.com/2009/07/to-sleep-perchance-to-turn-off-that.html

Sally said...

Oh man, I HATE mind chatter!

Cheval Noire said...

Ha ha so glad someone else has clock radios to harrass them at night.

Isn't it funny how the mental gymnastics start the second the light goes out? I suppose because until that point, your mind is occupied with all the 'can see' stuff and there is sufficient background noise to mask the mental chatter.

With the brain chemistry we have (that stimulants have the opposite effect) I've found that a seriously strong coffee (one that would keep anyone else awake for weeks) sends me right off to sleep. Wish someone had told me this when I was at college and using coffee to get through the wee small hours doing assignments but could never figure out why I ended up fast asleep and no assignment done!!!

Hope the "hangover" isn't too bad in the morning (he he)

Karen V said...

I survived the day! No hangover! To my surprise, the sleeping pill wasn't all that effective. I "slept" but had weird and vivid dreams. I'm surprisingly still energized. I figured I'd crash and burn as soon as I got home...NOPE! Hopefully, I'll get better sleep tonight!

mrscravitz said...

Oh you will feel it tonight....BUT try this:

Count backwards from 300 by 8. See if that helps. I saw that on Dr. Oz.

I feel for ya girlfriend! Honest I really do!