Open Letter to My Animals

Dear Cat -

You are well fed and have a nice warm house to sleep in. There is a fenced yard to keep the cat-killing monster dogs up the street from attacking you. You are cuddled and scratched and given the finest of care.

You have only one job. That is to catch mice. There are mice in the barn. That tells me you aren't doing your job. Please feel free to start any time.

To the Dogs - You are all given salmon-based dry food and the yummiest canned food I can find. You are brushed regularly and bathed only when you stink. Or roll in horse poops. You sleep on the couch, the futon, or our bed. Two of you sleep under the covers and hog space in the bed. You are provided with rope, Kongs, balls and squeaky toys. We play fetch with you, take you on car rides, and let you sit on our laps while we watch tv. HOWEVER...

Kizzie - I know you are a puppy. But those shoes on the porch are mine. Please chew on one of YOUR toys. And those trees... they cost money. Please stop chewing on them. Also, I know you think you are being helpful by providing me with holes in the lawn as a place to put your poops, but really, I can find another way to dispose of it. Oh, and you know that green grass that you and Jasper love to play in? It won't stay green if you keep chewing on and removing the pop-up sprinklers. Please refrain. And please keep your paws and nose off the counter-tops! The food up there isn't for you! If it was, I would put it in your bowl.

Jasper - You are a really cool dude, but running at the horses across the fence is a no-no. You can't get through to them and if you did, they would probably kick or stomp on you. Knock it off! Oh, and the carpet that tastes like Doritos... please stop trying to eat it. It's not good for you and it makes Dad mad.

Rylee - You are a grouch. You don't need to growl all the time at the younger dogs. They all know you are the boss. Me and Dad know it too.

Weenie - You don't need to whine. It won't get you what you want and it annoys me and dad. Also, the kitchen table and desk tops are for me and Dad. Stay off of them! Even if there is food up there.

ALL DOGS - STAY OUT OF THE CATBOX!

Dearest Horses - I love you. You are well fed! I give you the finest hay I can afford or find. Every day, I feed you your grub - beet pulp, oats, Strategy. I ensure you have pedicures and your luxurious coats are brushed. I provide you with fresh clean water daily. You have shelter from the wind, rain, and snow. If it's too cold outside, I wrap you in heavy blankets. I make sure that you have space to call your own so no one has to share at supper or breakfast.

Ticket - You don't need to kick. Not Lucy or Roger. Not the water tank. Not the gates or walls of your stalls. The unending squealing is annoying also. You don't need to do that.

Lucy - There are no monsters. I will not beat you. It is truly NOT necessary for you to freak out just because your vision is impaired. Nothing will try to eat you. I promise.

Roger - You CAN eat the stems of the alfalfa. And you don't need to sling half of your grub onto the ground. You really can just stand there and eat it.

Jazzy - Just because Roger is standing with his nose a foot from your grub feeder, doesn't mean he's going to be able to help himself. His nose is too fat to fit through the bars. The squealing and kicking is not necessary.

Bullwinkle - I don't know how you saw Roger slinging his grub but that is not appropriate behaviour, young man. Please stop and just stand quietly and eat it.

Angel - You're a good girl and my favorite. You do nothing wrong. Unless I'm riding you. Or loading you into the trailer in the dark. But then, we had that discussion.

Foxy - You really CAN eat grass hay. It isn't poison.

Chili - The cribbing on the gate needs to stop. You sound like a bullfrog!

ALL HORSES - As stated above, you are all well fed. I know you get bored. But you are NOT beavers. PLEASE STOP CHEWING ON MY WOOD FENCE POSTS! I know you're not eating it because of the piles of shreds at the base of the posts.

And the eating of your own manure, well that's just nasty, but hey, whatever makes you happy!

Thank you for your attention to these matters. Your cooperation is appreciated, but not really expected.

Sincerely, The Servant