Mental Meadering

After spending yesterday split between crying and moping, I was sure that I was going to take a break for a while, leaving the post about letting Beau go up for all to read for a while. In the bright light of morning, looking at his empty stall and run, I decided that even though Beau is gone, I don't want to stew in the depressing misery of losing him. I want to remember him with happy thoughts and smile, so I'm going to ramble a bit here...

Our vet uses three shots when euthanizing horses. The first one is the "Sleepy" drugs - it makes the horse sleepy and woozy so they lay down. The other two shots are the over-doses of the euthanasia drugs. When the vet gave Beau the first shot, his reaction was immediate. He dropped like a rock. He lay on the floor of the trailer, weakly bobbing his head, with his eyes closed. He sighed.

Fighting the pain and trying to find relief had exhausted him and he went down quickly. Mike patted his nose and talked to him as the vet gave the final two shots. We had made the right decision. As hard as it had been, it was the right one. Beau told us that.

Wallowing in loss isn't good for anyone, so for the rest of the day, I tried to just make it through. I didn't want to dwell on it, but it was still there. This morning I realized more clearly many things made possible by knowing Beau.

I realized that there are a ton of people who I've "gotten to know" because of their generosity, encouragement, and celebration of Beau's small victories. People I've never met, people who've never posted, but felt the thrill of victory and a deep sense of loss. I was here in person, but YOU were here in spirit or in comments and e-mails, and that means a lot to me. It's hard to go through alone, and because of you, I didn't have to.

I realized that "will to live" sometimes just isn't enough. If Beau had just had weight problems (or lack thereof), we'd be fine. But that foot... The problem existed LONG before Beau came here.

Speaking of the foot, I learned something valuable this time. I'd like to say that if I'd x-rayed the foot right when he got here and seen that the damage was unrecoverable, I'd have put him down immediately and saved everyone time and money. But you know, I would have missed ALL the good about Beau - his goofy little nicker, his obscene, gooey adoration for an ugly little appy mare, his "smile" - the look of utter "joy" at slobbering over apples and carrots, his feeble attempt at a buck because he was feeling better... I'd have missed it all. Sitting here, still feeling the sting of loss, I can honestly say I wouldn't have missed it for the world!

I think Beau came to me to serve a greater purpose. He came here to know love and to be cared for. He came here to get a peaceful death, rather than one of horrific pain and suffering in the pasture of a fool without compassion. Beau came here to bring together wonderful people and create new friendships among strangers with a like passion.

Beau left us to open the door for another horse in need. God knows there are way too many out there. The new horse is out there somewhere, and with Beau's passing, has begun the journey to my barn. He or she hasn't found me yet, but I have faith that it's only a matter of time.

You know that poem "Don't stand at my grave and cry"? Someone sent it to me yesterday and though Beau doesn't have a grave, it does make sense. He isn't here. He is grazing green pastures, jewels intact, flirting with the girls, living the way he was always meant to live. When I die, I want to go where my animals go when they die. I hope that they will forgive my stupidity and mistakes, and love me in spite of it all.

So no more tears for Beau. We should rejoice that he has no pain, will never again know hunger, lies in warm sunny field of sweet green grass. Any tears should be for the horses lost on their journey and don't quite make it to a place of love and caring.

I thank you all so much for your support and kindness. I hope you continue to check in from time to time. There is rarely a dull moment around here and I can already hear to soft sucking sound of the vacuum created by Beau's passing. Not long now.

Hug your horses and give an extra treat today!